Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Sweet and Sour Freedom

Last night I went grocery shopping by myself.

Normally I go on Monday mornings with the kids, but the carseats were not in the van (we had put them in the truck when we weren't sure what was going on with the brakes), and I couldn't find my house keys, so we didn't go. I thought it might be nice for me to be able to go by myself for once, so I waited until Dave got home and we ate dinner, then Daddy got to babysit while I set out into the night.

Going out with both kids is such a huge, overwhelming ordeal sometimes. The prospect of having some FREEDOM for once was quite alluring.

But I was wrong.

I felt really lonely the whole time. It was weird. It was quiet. But not quiet in the soothing, refreshing way. More in the eerie, uneasy way. I didn't feel like 'myself'. I reverted back to the old shy, extremely self-conscious Kelly. It took an hour and fifteen minutes instead of my usual two hours, but it felt like much longer. I didn't feel as present and 'in control' as I do when the kids are with me.

Maybe the extra time and effort required to take the kids out with me is worth it.

It's true that sometimes my kids bring out the worst in me, but I'm beginning to realize that they also bring out the best.

1 comment:

gracious said...

I always feel like I'm looking for that couple of minutes by myself....but then I find myself in the same boat as you...I miss my girls far to much.

Who knew that being a parent would bring out so many things about myself that would otherwise remain hidden (btw, I'm an INTJ these days) ha.