The Mommy Paradox

I find it interesting that the number of kids I want fluctuates with my mood.

For example, last night Gideon was up at least every hour. Sometimes I didn't even get a chance to doze off and he was crying again. And he didn't do his usual 2-5 minute power feed and pass out again. No, he just wanted to nurse all night. He'd go 20+ minutes, and even then I would have to pry him off when I couldn't take it anymore. Only to do it again within the hour. Needless to say I was extremely tired and dehydrated this morning. While he was nursing all I could think of was "What ever possessed me to want to be a mom!"

Then this morning when he woke up and it woke Judith up (which means there will be no going back to bed), I grudgingly looked over to him, hoping that he could see the pain and exhaustion in my eyes and magically go back to sleep and take his sister with him. But no, instead he looked up at me and broke out in a huge, sweet smile, and reached his arms out for me. Suddenly I was all "Awwww! Ok, I'll have 6 more. No problem."

Psychotic.

When I think about it though, in the long run I think I would be happier with a bigger family. It's obviously hard when our kids are babies, but that's really nothing compared to the privilege of bringing LIFE into the world. When I look at my kids and see how amazing they are, and think that I was the one honoured enough to give birth to them and raise them, it is very humbling. My present convenience pales in comparison.