Today

* Judith refused to go to sleep last night, it was 12:30ish when I finally fell asleep, not sure when she did...
* Judith refused to get up today until after 10, despite trying to entice her with the prospect of going swimming.
* Gideon was up before 7 and wouldn't go back to sleep.
* Gideon was up to nurse about every hour through the night.
* I am very, very tired.
* We didn't go swimming.
* Gideon is very snotty.
* Judith has a persistent cough.
* Both kids are very clingy, whiny and screamy.
* I just want my space.
* I didn't get breakfast made until noon... even though I started trying to get it together at 8.
* I accidentally set a plastic cutting board on a hot burner and melted it. It smelled awful.
* I have chili cooking in the slow-cooker, it took me an hour to assemble instead of the usual 15 minutes because of so many disruptions. Very frustrating.
* Judith fell off of the baby gate going into the kitchen and really hurt herself. I saw the whole thing, and she fell on the side of her head, just above her ear. She screamed and cried worse than ever, and I was so scared that she was seriously hurt. I was scrambling eggs at the time so I couldn't sit with her too long. She cried off and on for 2 hours, and seemed really out of it, although she thankfully didn't have any signs of concussion. We had to go out at 2 and she promptly fell asleep in the van, and at every red light I threw the van into park and checked on her. I brought her health card with us, in case I had to take her to the hospital, which was near where we were going anyway. I was so stressed! I prayed so hard and cried the whole way to my friend's house.
* I sat on the floor and held Judith for a few minutes after she fell, then when I stood up I realized that she had spilled milk on the floor and I was sitting in it.
* When I put Judith on the couch so I could get back to the eggs on the stove, I realized that she had also spilled a whole carton of juice on her blanket on the couch.
* My frying pan has eggs burnt onto it now.
* I wanted eggs so bad for breakfast, but I didn't get to eat them until lunch, and they were gross. The toast was also cold by the time I got to it, so the butter wouldn't melt into it.
* Gideon would not stop fussing and whining ALL MORNING, no matter what. My nerves are shot.
* My house is still such a mess, even though I am making slow progress (we're doing a massive purge). It's still stressful to live in.
* I got honked at twice by impatient people while driving. I wasn't doing anything wrong, people are just selfish. But sorry, I'm not going to risk my life and the lives of my children so you can get somewhere 10 seconds faster.
* Gideon has decided it's more fun to pinch my nipples than eat from them.
* I need to clip Gideon's fingernails.
* I got a call today from my friend back home in Ontario who is 37 weeks pregnant with #2. She has been in and out of the hospital since Christmas because she has been so sick, and has been constantly on IV's. Her husband lost his job this week. She is going to be induced on Monday. It was good to hear from her, but I just wish I could be there to help her.
* I got a chai at Starbucks on the way home from my friend's house because I needed something to get me through the rest of the day. When we got home I was sitting on a chair getting Gideon's coat off and he grabbed my chai off the desk and spilled it all over me.
* My friend made me a mei tai (YAY! I love it), and I had Gideon in it for a bit to practice getting it on and off, and now he doesn't want me to put him down, ever. I don't have a big problem with this, it's just that when I get stressed and frustrated I don't like anyone touching me.
* Dave doesn't have any work for the rest of the week, because there just isn't any work. Then Monday is a holiday here. And on top of that he's had to take a pay cut due to the "economy". I'm not as worried as I could be though. I'm actually looking forward to having him around for that many days. Maybe I will actually get to nap.
* I've been really discouraged with life in general these days.
* I've put a lot of effort into making/developing friendships for the last several months, but they are all still very superficial and I haven't really "clicked" with anyone. There are several friends here that I love, but I know I don't mean as much to them as they mean to me. I feel like they hang out with me just to be nice, and they don't really like me. I don't feel like I can even let myself just be myself when I am out. I don't like this. I hate being so guarded all the time, and that is probably part of the reason it is so hard to connect.
* Judith has been obsessed with unrolling all of the toilet paper off every roll. Yesterday I found a whole roll's worth hidden under her bed sheets. The day before she tried to flush it all down the toilet (and clogged it). Just now it was all hidden behind the toilet.
* Judith screamed at me and slapped me in the face once last night, and twice today. It is the first time she has ever used physical violence. It hurt my heart more than my cheek.
* Judith absolutely refuses to wear clothes these days, it's a fight to keep even her underwear on her. And I find our place COLD, I don't know how she doesn't freeze, she's skin and bones to begin with.
* The tv has been on way too much lately.
* My plants are basically dead.
* I'm so done with winter.
* I haven't showered in several days.
* Lambie has a hole in his foot, and his neck is totally threadbare and I am so scared that he will fall apart soon.
* I've been going through old photos to make a photo post about my parents' dog that just passed away and it makes me so sad.
* I feel like I just don't know anything anymore.

In happier news, Dave just got home and he got a bag of chocolates for 99 cents that I am drowning my sorrows with. And I'm so excited that supper is already ready in the slow-cooker and instead of slaving in the kitchen right now, I am sitting on my butt in front of the computer. Even though this post has taken FOREVER with all of the interruptions. Judith is happy that Daddy is home and they are cuddling on the couch, and Gideon is happily munching on some pineapple that Dave got him.

I also heard a story on Monday at a mom's group that really put my life into perspective. One of the moms has a friend who is a refugee from Sudan. The Sudanese woman has 6 kids, and she left her husband to escape to Ethiopia with 5 kids while pregnant with #6. This was a very dangerous decision, if she was caught she would have been killed. She gave birth under a tree along the way. Apparently, there aren't very many trees, and where there is a tree, there was always labouring women under it who were also fleeing. Also under the trees were the bodies of the mothers and babies that didn't survive the birthing process. Can you imagine? Thankfully this mama survived, and made it to a camp and eventually came to Canada to build a new, safe life for herself and her children.

So my life really, really isn't so bad. Even when I have bad days when everything goes wrong, I am still extremely blessed.