Lent

Ok, so I really really need to catch up on everything that happened over lent before it is gone from my brain forever. Ideas and memories don't always have that long of a lifespan in my head these days...

Now, bullets:

* The first week was really frustrating. I literally spent all day, from when I got up until when I went to bed, doing housework. And the house was only marginally cleaner. It really didn't seem worth all of the extra effort. This was compounded by the fact that Dave was on the computer all day, every day, while I worked my butt off.
* I surprisingly didn't miss the internet OR junk food though. My brain still thought in "status" and "blog" mode for the first week or so, but that eventually went away, as I learned to live in real life again. But I discovered that my "need" for sugar and junk food was related to my time spent online. As much as I love being online, and I need my friends there, it also stresses me out. I get stressed because the kids won't leave me alone while I'm trying to focus on writing something, and also because when I spend too much time away from the computer, I get "behind". But I found I wasn't as stressed when I wasn't online, so I didn't really need my other drug (sugar) to cope.
* I really missed juice though. I'm totally a juice junkie and don't like water. But I managed to survive by drinking ice water (for some reason it goes down better than room temp, even though my teeth are sensitive), and eating fresh fruit.
* After the first week, I decided to change my attitude about the computer, and I felt a lot better. I realized that I can only control myself, and what I do. I can't control what Dave decides to do, and there's no point in getting all bent out of shape about it. It was liberating for me.
* I experienced my first ever postpartum hair-fallout. After the first 2 kids were born, I had dreads, so I didn't have to deal with all of the hair. All I can say is: yuck.
* I also quit shampooing my hair. Now I just wash my scalp with baking soda, and rinse with diluted apple cider vinegar. I still use a little leave-in conditioner on the ends, but I use less and less each time. My hair is surprisingly fabulous! I can leave it down without needing mousse for the first time ever!
* Gideon's surgery, Dave's Dr appointments and Judith's dentist appointments took a lot out of me, but overall everything went well. I've hung in there.
* Dave and I have been watching movies/tv shows at night after the kids go to bed (like all of seasons 5 & 6 of The Office, and Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, and other movies that I can't think of right now...). It has been nice. I'm not looking forward to when he has to go back to work (early June), I've enjoyed actually being able to spend time with him.
* My mom came for a week-long visit. It went by really quickly as usual, but we did lots of fun stuff. Dave and I even got to go on a date! The kids got a little bit of a break with the sugar fast, having chocolate milk a couple times, and ice cream once. We got to see how even that little bit of sugar affected their behaviour, which was good reinforcement for us to keep it up with them.
* Judith is starting to "accidentally" show off what she has learned in her dance class. It's an unparented class, so I never get to see what she has learned. But I can see it in the way she carries herself, and the little things she does sometimes. They learn a lot of actual dance stuff in the class, I can't wait to see the recital in June!
* Ruthie hit her 3-month growth spurt. Eating all the time and fussing more than usual. I'm glad that's over.
* Gideon has become SO talkative! He says new words everyday, and can repeat anything anyone says. He talks in sentences, and they are becoming more and more understandable. He is seriously so adorable, I can't get over it.
* Computer died March 10 and went in for repairs. Mac customer service = awesome. Definitely buy the Apple Care if you buy a Mac!
* DVD player also died, we got a new media player that connects the tv to our computer, so we can watch tv on the tv that is coming from the computer. No need for cable, and no commercials! And we can rip our dvd's to the external hard drive, and then watch them on tv. It's great, we don't have to mess with actual DVD's anymore!
* The engine light came on in the van. Thankfully, one of Dave's friends is a mechanic, and he took a look at it for free. We just had to replace the air filter and clean out the air intake. Hopefully that was it! The light is off now, but still turns on during long drives (Dave has had to drive 3 hours each way to his Dr's appts, really annoying but that's WCB!). I'm glad we didn't have to take it in, it would have cost so much when it wasn't necessary.
* Did some serious introspection and thinking about where we are at as a family and what we want to do. God really confirmed my doula journey (more on that later), and Dave wants to get his A+ certification for computers, since he can't be a roofer forever. So I signed up for the DONA certification/course, and Dave has been studying up so he can challenge the exam soon. We would both like to have our own businesses some day, and then maybe we can travel again while being able to support ourselves. There is a lot of other spiritual stuff we have discussed too, but that might be for another blog...
* By week 3, I was starting to really miss my friends online. And I was craving sugar (mostly juice and good quality dark chocolate) again. Although I could easily never eat candy or pop again. It sounds so disgusting now. Even bread was starting to taste overwhelmingly sweet.
* I started going to the gym again, and surprisingly had no problem doing 20 mins on the eliptical, and started right where I left off with weights. I guess having 3 kids will do that. I was surprised that I was actually in shape, I guess it's just hiding under all the baby fat.
* I didn't lose any weight over the break, despite going to the gym, not eating junk, and breastfeeding. Well, I lost 4 pounds during Ruthie's growth spurt, but then gained it all back right away. I guess I just can't set any weight loss goals until I'm done breastfeeding, it's always like that for me. Although I do need to go and get some clothes that actually fit... instead of letting my butt hang out of everything while convincing myself I will lose the fat soon.
* I had to move Judith up to size 5 clothes, Ruthie wasn't the only one with a growth spurt over the break! Judith is quite tall for her age, I think. She definitely doesn't get that from me!
* Gideon changed a lot too, although mostly in looks. He's now definitely a toddler, my little boy, with very few traces of baby left in his face.
* I really enjoyed doing a lot of reading. It was great because it was therapeutic for me, and I could still be present with the kids, unlike the computer. It's a hobby that I am definitely going to keep up! I have to figure out what to cut from my computer time in order t o make room for more reading...
* Even without the computer though, I found my mind wandering all the time. It was honestly hard to focus 100% on the kids and just play. I had to fight really hard for it. That saddens me a lot, but is something I want to work on.
* Judith got to perform infront of people for the first time! They are practicing their routine for the recital already, and they came out after class one day and performed it for the teenagers' class. I guess they will be doing that a lot, to get used to it. Judith was SO cute! The other 2 girls in the class (there are just 4 kids), were way too shy and just stood there. The little boy liked the spotlight, but often forgot to actually dance. But Judith, she danced her heart out and soaked up the attention! Half the time she did her own thing instead of what the teacher was doing, but it was SO cute! She does not lack confidence!
* I have been doing Pilates with Ruthie (the PeeWee Pilates book is good!), and Judith likes to do it alongside me, with Lambie. It's so adorable, I keep forgetting to get a photo.
* Ruthie learned to suck her fingers to self-soothe (just like Judith did as a baby), and that has made my life SO much easier! She's a lot quieter, and nurses a bit less (I still have a ton of milk though). She seems to need something in her other hand though, in order to put her fingers in her mouth, and seems drawn to blankies more than stuffies, so I got her a blanket. I hope she gets attached to it, Judith having her Lambie and Gideon having his Blankie has been a huge help in comforting them.
* The last 2 weeks were HARD. I really missed everyone! But I'm glad I stuck it out.
* My friend Jen came to visit! She is one of my best friends, and it was so good and refreshing to connect with her!
* I got to hang out with some of my local friends during lent too, which was really nice. I probably talked too much because I was lacking the interaction, I hope they didn't mind. =) I'm so thankful that I do have friends here now, they are seriously awesome.
* Ruthie laughed for the first time March 28! She laughed for Dave in the morning, and for me in the evening, it was so cute!
* Had to upsize Ruthie to her intermediate sized diapers, and thus also move her into her size 6 months clothing. She's growing up too quickly! She was 16 pounds 4 oz at her 4 month appointment.
* We took the kids to Chuck E Cheese to celebrate Gideon's birthday, and he loved it! Judith loved it more though, haha.

Overall, it was a really good experience. But I'm not going to do it again any time soon, haha! I just need to figure out how to spend less time online, while still being able to connect with my friends and get my thoughts out through writing. I didn't get to rest at all, as I had hoped, I think rest and relaxation are just things that's aren't going to happen while the kids are young. But that's ok, they're worth it. I'm glad that I have this time with the kids while they are little! The less I sleep, the more time I get to spend with my little loves (as long as I get enough sleep to actually function, but now that I have coffee, that amount is less, haha). I was actually way busier than usual, always on my feet, it seemed. I was either doing housework, tending to the kids, running errands, or reading. It was nice to only have to worry about my own little existence for a while, and not about what's going on with everyone else, or the world. I realized that I do totally run on empty all the time, but there isn't much I can do about it. So I carry on. I have learned the meaning of "God's mercies are new every morning." He truly does get me through every day. I'm so thankful that I'm not depressed this time around. I can actually keep up with life, and do simple things like get out of bed, and face the day with a smile. =)

My Kids, My Identity

I just finished reading this article about moms who put photos of their children on facebook. It was a really odd experience for me. Some parts I agreed with, some parts really made me smile (as I took some of the things she intended to be negative as a wonderful, positive thing), and other parts made me realize that she is a bit off in some of her logic.

I found that article through this blog entry. I thoroughly enjoyed this one. Go read it. Actually read them both. Now. I will wait, don't worry.

So, what did you think? Well, since this is my blog, I will tell you what I think (please feel free to tell me your side of the story too!!! That's what comments are for). I will try and edit the swearing out before I publish it.

First of all, I have to tell you that, coincidentally my current facebook profile pic is one of my children. All 3 of them, magically smiling and looking at the camera simultaneously, a rare and wonderful catch. I don't post pictures of my children as my profile regularly, but this one was just too good. I even remember when I posted it, thinking, "Yeah, it's not me, but it is SO much me at the same time."

I can and do see so much of myself in my children, the good and the bad. My children are also definitely shaping who I am. Is that a bad thing? Am I, indeed, "losing" myself? No way! Except maybe in the way that, in losing myself I have truly found myself. Jesus talks about a similar thing in the book of Matthew (10:39); "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." The sentiment is repeated in Matt. 16:25. I think I'm beginning to realize what this passage is saying. The journey has been hard and I do find myself at times wondering what I have become. But life soon enough answers that for me. I may have lost what I thought I was, but now I know who I truly am.

In order to say what I want about all this, first I have to take you for a walk down memory lane. Come with me now.

I never dreamed of being a mother when I was a child or teen. I figured it would happen, but like Katie Roiphe advises, my children would have to stay on the back burner and not interfere with MY life. I wanted to go to university and BE something, and save the world while I was at it. But then I couldn't decide what to do, there was too much I wanted to do. So I decided to go to Bible college for a year, to figure things out, hopefully. My experience there is a story in itself, but the amazing thing was that I did figure things out. Not everything, but the next step. I got married at the ripe old age of 20. I was a Bible college bride (shut up!). Two things I NEVER wanted! But it was perfect. I gave up the university dream, at least for the time being, but for something much better. I still didn't want children too soon though. I still had no idea how they would fit into my life, I was very much afraid at the prospect of being a mother. I never liked, or had any experience with babies.

So I "accidentally" got pregnant at 21. I was scared, and excited, but mostly scared. Especially since we were planning on going to Australia. That ended up being a huge blessing though. Maternity care in Australia is much better than here, and I felt like being so far from home allowed me to do everything the way I wanted to, without anyone else trying to influence me. I got knocked down big time though. Judith's birth didn't go the way I had envisioned (although it still went way better than it would have here), and breastfeeding was way harder than I had ever imagined. So of course I ended up very depressed. And that depression lasted 18 months before I finally sought help. I struggled with undiagnosed depression all through my teenage years, so I was used to coping with it, and hiding it, but finally I realized that it was not right, and it was up to me to do something about it. As soon as I was finally feeling better, I got pregnant again, which threw me back down into depression. A few weeks before Gideon was born God told me that He was going to free me from depression. But He forgot to tell me that it would get worse before it got better. Gideon's birth was alright. There was a last-minute ambulance ride to the hospital, but everything ended up being fine and the birth was 100% natural. But then there were a few minor breastfeeding difficulties and a labial hematoma that took 10 weeks to go away. I was doing ok mentally though, until about 3 or so months postpartum, when my thyroid crashed and took me down with it. I saw my naturopath right away that time, and got myself back on my feet.

Then something amazing happened. When I got pregnant with Ruthie, I felt that cloud of depression lift for good. I was loving life, and was very busy. Ruthie's birth was incredibly empowering. And everything has been wonderful ever since!

So that brings me up to today, where I am sitting in front of this big screen, reading the above articles and then writing to you.

I love my life. I seriously do. I've been thinking about that a lot lately. I've come a long way since becoming a mom, and I feel like I am finally on top of my game. Motherhood is one of the greatest things that ever happened to me. It's not for everyone, but it is for me. Sure, it has also been the hardest, most painful thing
I've ever done, but that makes it even more worthwhile. It's the reason I get up in the morning (literally). My kids fill my life with joy. They are my greatest investment and contribution to the world. They have taught me about life, and about myself. In having them I have learned who I truly am.

I have learned that I am weak. That I am powerful. That I'm not as patient as I thought. That I can do anything. That I am capable of enduring so much pain. That I am loved. That I can fail. That I can learn. That I can make a fucking good lasagna. That I need my alone time. That I can rise above my feelings. That everyone deserves love. I could go on and on. Becoming a mother made me "get it".

My kids are my life right now. Why wouldn't they be? Sure, I also love to talk about God and food and justice and women's rights, etc. Wait a minute, women's rights? I'm a stay-at-home-mom and housewife and I care about women's rights? Why yes, yes I do. I made the choice to stay home with my kids. I'm glad I have that choice. It's a very respectable choice. You can make your own choice, and that choice is fine with me. I don't have to work outside of the house in order to have my own identity. And yeah, my kids are a big part of my identity, what's it to you? Why not proudly post their faces on my facebook? It's MY facebook! I can post a picture of a celebrity, and that's fine, but not my kids? My kids are some of the coolest people I know. They don't totally define me, but they sure add a lot to my life, and they ARE my "flesh and blood". Yes, I would be lost without them! That doesn't mean I'm not my own person, we are just profoundly intertwined, and I think that's wonderful. I will always be Judith's mama (And Gideon's and Ruthie's and our future children's). It's fricken awesome. They aren't my identity, but they helped me find it.

The women who post pics of their kids are not gone. Sure, lots of women do go through an identity crisis when they have kids, it's normal with any big life change. Just give them time and they will figure it out. They will see that our culture has done them a disservice in telling them that they need to maintain a superficial "identity" on trite social networking sites like facebook. They will see that their children can teach them more about real life than university can. They know, for them, their kids bring them more fulfillment than their degree. They know that raising their kids is more important than their job or book club. Perhaps they are, indeed, still feminists, but they aren't going to take that crap about supposedly needing to put their kids on the back burner of their lives in order to still "be" someone. Maybe they want to wear their pjs all day. They know there's more to life than having a pretty picture.

Posting my kids photo as my profile does not mean I think that I don't matter anymore. Of course I matter, without me, these kids wouldn't be here to smile so beautifully for the camera. To these kids, I matter THE MOST in the world. And they matter the most to me. I've hardly vanished. If anything I go unappreciated for the true weight of importance I carry in my family, and in the world. I matter a lot.

You know what else? I post about my kids in my statuses all the time too! Ooooooh, look at me taking it a step farther! Yeah, I bet all of my 545 friends don't care how many times the toddler pooped today, the baby was up to feed in the night, or the preschooler said something fabulously awkward. But that's my life, so that's what I'm going to share, and I love it!

Katie said "The answer seems clear: because with all good intentions we have over-devoted ourselves to our children’s education and entertainment and general formation. Because we have chipped away at the idea of independent adult life, of letting children dream up a place for themselves, in their rooms, on the carpets, in our gardens, on their own."

FAIL. She obviously hasn't met the children I know. I'm sure there are a lot of uber controlling parents out there, but most of us invest our time and lives into our kids, to encourage them to dream and have a secure independent adulthood. We don't hover over them 24/7, and hey, they have lots of time to play by themselves in their rooms and gardens while we spend hours talking about parenting on facebook! Duh.

Anyway, I know this swerved off topic a bit, and was a little choppy, but I just want to tell the world that I am happier, right now, and more satisfied with life, and with who I am, than I have ever been in my life. Having children, and being bowled off the path that our culture would have for me as a smart, young woman, by giving up my so called "individuality" and self-absorbed life in order to be a wife and mother, was the BEST thing to ever happen to me. It's my story. It's who I am. When I look at that photo of my 3 beautiful children, I do see myself. What I am and what I have done. And maybe this is what I want to show the world.

P.S. I hate those squeaky shoes too. My kids will never have them.

15 Months

The age of 15 months is definitely my favourite of the "little" stages. I love that at this point they are so eager and excited to explore the world, but they can't quite outrun me yet (they achieve that around age 2, haha). I love that they are independent little people, but still have no problem needing Mama. I honestly enjoy my kids more and more as they get older, I'm not really a baby person, and I've found it is usually at 15 months where things level out for me.

For those out there who don't know me, I had a really rough go with Judith when she was a baby. She had reflux and spent most of her first 5 months screaming. Our breastfeeding relationship was quite strained for that period of time too, although thankfully I was stubborn enough to persevere. It caused some pretty severe depression in me, especially since the other new mothers I knew didn't seem to be having as tough of a time. The sense of failure I lived with every day was overwhelming, but that story is for another post (I have been meaning to post about my postpartum depression experience since I started this blog, but honestly I have been terrified to, there are some things I haven't even had the strength or courage to tell Dave about yet, although I think it would be good for me to be able to let it all out).

ANYWAYS, I remember things getting a lot better once Judith hit one year. She started walking on her first birthday, and then suddenly transformed. She was no longer angry at the world. She has always been so gross motor skills-oriented. Things started to level out then, and by 15 months I actually thought I had this whole motherhood thing figured out (HA!). Then she weaned at 19 months, and I got pregnant a few weeks later. Annnnnnnd, then everything was hard again. And I knew nothing again. And Judith started watching tv.

But 15 months... 15 months was a wonderful time. Both of my kids started sleeping the night every night at 15 months. Maybe that's why I suddenly felt like I could conquer the world again at that point. Even this time around, even though I have 2 kids and am pregnant (in the easy 2nd trimester, mind you), I am doing quite well these days. I'm totally loving and enjoying Gideon's 15th month. I know that things may very well go vastly downhill as the cold sets in and I get further along in my pregnancy and then will have a newborn again (while being stuck indoors during the winter), but I'm not going to worry about that now. Today, I am TOTALLY enjoying my kids, my pregnancy, and this summer. I'm so thankful that I can enjoy Gideon's 15 month stage, it's seriously the best.

So for fun, here are some comparison shots of Judith and Gideon each at 15 months:













Isn't this stage SO cute? I'm totally loving this time in our lives.

I'm Alive, I Just Don't Have Time

I really want to post pictures of our adventures at the bird sanctuary and our camping trip, but I just haven't had the time! I will get at that soon, hopefully.

I had a midwife appointment today (I'm 20 weeks!), and all looks well besides my bloodwork showing that I am no longer immune to Rubella, and my midwife thinks I have a hernia. The top of my belly is sore and bulging a bit, I thought it was just stretching from pregnancy, but my midwife wants me to go see a doctor and get an ultrasound to confirm. I really don't have time for these kinds of things, haha.

I have two sales coming up next week for the Servants Anonymous Foundation. I'm not the sales person, I do admin from home, but the sales person has stepped back so I have to do these. I really, truly love and believe in this organization. They are totally worth supporting. Sales are not my forte at all, but something I need to do because summer is our worst time for sales and we need to meet the budget. If you want to see our products you can go here. If anyone is interested in ordering anything, you can do so through me and I can ship. There is some really cute baby stuff! Or if you are local I can give you the location of the upcoming sales if you're interested, just leave a comment and I will contact you personally.

I know I don't really post a lot of personal stuff here, but I could use some prayer right now. I have been doing really well for the last while, but suddenly I am being bombarded with a lot of stuff (the hernia and work stuff is just the tip of the iceberg), and am getting extremely stressed and weighed down mentally and emotionally. This is my first pregnancy that hasn't been plagued by depression, and I hope I can continue to hold everything together.

If You Want to Know How I'm Feeling...

...Ask my kitchen.

"Kelly is feeling depressed, anxious, and overwhelmed."


"Kelly is feeling happy, in control, and on top of the world."


Funny how my kitchen reflects my mental state. Yet at the same time, my kitchen can determine my mental state. When I am feeling good, I have no problem keeping things clean and tidy, which, in turn, makes me feel good. But when I am feeling down, I am overwhelmed by the smallest things which makes things like cleaning impossible, which just makes me feel even worse. I hate how that works. I need to become much more disciplined.